Dare I Believe?

Is this for real?  Am I really getting what I asked for from God?

It's just too much of a coincidence, otherwise. It's happened in the past, but in those circumstances, I could have been the one that made the desired outcome a realization.  This time I could have no control over it, so it must have been God.

I prayed for someone just like him and I got him and even more so.

I hope this isn't some test to prove that what I prayed for isn't really what I wanted.

Faith

Are you all serious with this? Your unborn child's brain is growing outside of it's skull, as we speak. You want to have the baby even though you know it's going to die within hours or minutes of it's birth? You want us to have a baby shower for you??? All the while your many specialist visits, and the impending c-section are all being paid for by medicaid, meaning paid for by the rest of us????

How is this really justified by your faith? This, I do not understand. This is like a Jehovah's Witness who will not receive a blood transfusion to save their life. God sent the doctors with the ability to save us, to ease suffering, to save you the pain of knowingly carrying a child to full term, only to lose it. I will never understand this. But, I have to keep my mouth shut and feign support for your decisions. I am the bad one if I don't.

As my previous post illustrated, there are differences of perception, and in my perception, you and your family are the bad ones here. You live off the state to pay for a complicated pregnancy that will require a c-section and special care for a child that is going to undoubtedly die. You put your friends and family in an uncomfortable, awkward position of having to give you a baby shower and put on happy faces and become accomplices in your denial of the real situation because if we don't support you, we are evil, intolerant people. All this in the name of your faith?

Not to mention, the longer you carry this child the more attached you will become and once you hold this baby in your arms? This is so much more difficult to get over than if you'd shown the strength enough to terminate this already doomed pregnancy. No, I do not believe this is murder. Not in this circumstance. God knows each life situation is unique unto itself, and I believe this is one of those extreme cases where a fully supervised medical intervention is justified in His eyes.

Listen, I have faith, but obviously my opinions on it are quite a bit different than yours. So, you go on with your farce, just don't include me in it by questioning the "extent" of my faith. Who is judging who now?

H*te

I don't want to say it out loud. I don't even want to think it or feel it, but right now I do feel it. I feel this h*tred toward you. Do you deserve my h*te? And why can't I say it out loud? Is it the fact that I can't say it out loud because if I do it's just as bad as your despicable actions that make me feel this way in the first place? Is this why the nice guy always finishes last? Because they don't speak out on their own behalf? And is the nice guy really not a nice guy deep down inside because of these ugly feelings, and their not speaking out is the reason why "nice guys finish last"? If the bad guy is always the one that takes the credit for things they did not achieve or lays blame elsewhere when they are truly at fault, and the nice guy never speaks up in his own defense, well, who is really the bad one here? Is it worse to be the bad guy or the good guy here, because both seem wrong. The bad guy is bad for stealing credit and the good guy is bad for allowing the bad guy to get away with it!

I know this probably makes no sense to anyone other than me, but I am just writing what first comes to mind. But, then, that's not true, because if I were writing what first comes to mind I'd be cursing up a storm. I don't want to do that here. Not that it matters if I have no readers, but still. You always have to wonder.

I want to say out loud that I h*te you but I was always taught that statement is one of the most horrible things you could ever say to another person. It was just as bad as all the bad curse words you could ever utter. Probably worse. But, that is how I truly feel about you right now. Then, I start to feel superstitious that something horrible might happen to you or me or someone not even deserving of a horrible fate, if I say it out loud. Which then leads me to wonder why do we get those feelings if they are only superstition?

Oh, let's not go down that rabbit hole.

Let's get back to the reason we are here. I dislike you very much. Maybe more than anyone I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. And we have the same blood running through our veins. How is this possible that I could feel this way toward a blood relation? How? How can two people be so different? So very different?

She says she had a wonderful childhood thanks to you and I say I had a horrible childhood thanks to you. It's like that famous old woman/young woman optical illusion:

I obviously see one thing, which I will say is the ugly old woman, and she sees something completely different, the pretty young woman. It's all in our perception then? More like our reality, I'd say. My reality was completely different than hers. Which one is correct? I guess both, but with more illusion on her side than mine. Mine was all real. Real crappy.

That Road

I drove down that road and had no idea where it was taking me. I did not expect this. I never meant for it to happen. It wasn't even in the back of my mind. Or was it? I don't know. I can't remember. All I know is that road took me there.

Is that the road less traveled? I have a suspicion that, for most, it is not. I know most certainly, for me, it is. And there is no way for me to turn around. I can't turn back and take the other route. It's done.

Now I ask, does that road ever end?

Excuse Him, Her, Yourself

Excuses. Why the heck do people always make excuses? I am so sick of it!

You know what an excuse is? It's freaking DENIAL! Denial of the reality that is before you. Denial of the lie that you are living. Denial that you are unhappy. Denial that something is not quite right. Denying the real reasons for doing or not doing something.

People making excuses for their behavior or their husband's, wife's, or child's behavior is more denial. They make excuses so that they don't have to do anything about it.They want to ignore it and not deal with it.

We all know the one where the wife makes excuses for her husband's neglectful behavior. "He's really a good man. I have to be thankful  because at least he doesn't beat me or the kids, and he's not a drug addict or alcoholic." What? So, it's okay if he "works late" all the time, ignores you when he is home, talks down to you, criticizes you, just comes home long enough to sh*t, shower and shave? Yeah, you are so right. That "not beating and not abusing drugs and alcohol" is a great excuse for putting up with his other crap behavior. 

If you are in a marriage and your husband says he's not sure he wants to be married to you or not sure if he wants to work on your marriage, don't make excuses for him! Don't tell me he's just going through something! The dude is obviously cheating on you! It's that simple! Either that or he's in the closet. And if he's in the closet, he's also probably cheating on you, just not with someone who shares with you similar physical attributes.  I've seen and heard this scenario so many times, it's become a joke. I can tell you step by step the process you will go through before you either give in to the truth and decide to move on, or give up and carry on with the charade and be miserable for the rest of your life.

If you have any self respect. If you love your self just the tiniest bit, you will come to your senses and move on. You WILL recover and you will be triumphant. You've got enough problems just being a citizen on this planet. You don't have to make it even worse for yourself. 

One basic truth to always remember: If you find yourself making excuses for him, her, or yourself, stop what you doing and regroup because something is most definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. 

Not Enough

It's come to my attention that it is not enough to be truthful. It's not a good thing to be honest. You get no where by being up front. Everyone wants you to lie to them. Everyone would prefer to live in denial. Denial of what, you ask? Pick a topic. It's that one and every other one. It's everything. 

It's best to lie. To succeed you have to "fake it until you make it', this I've always known. What I didn't know is that you have to continue doing so. The charade must go on forever. Never let them in. Never be vulnerable. Never trust. 

To trust is a waste of time. Everyone will let you down. Instead of the friend whose "got your back", they will more likely stab you in the back. There is no one out there who will save anything but their own skin.  So trust your own instincts and no one else's. 

The Why Of Me

Why am I in love with people being in love with me? Why aren't I more concerned about whether or not I am in love with them? I watch with pleasure as they fall for me because I'm such an out of this world character, no one you've ever had the pleasure to converse with before, yet I never stop to contemplate my feelings for them. Why is that?

Do I only love them only if they love me first?  I'm a magical mystery, a puzzle to be solved, aloof yet magnetic and inviting, charming and too good to be true. I'm all those things and less of the "too good to be true". Why can't I believe in myself? And I say that, not in a pleading with myself tone but with an "am I not allowed?" tone. I've sat in the wings far too long. I want my subjects to behold me and put me on a pedestal upon which no one can knock me off. I deserve it after all this time of dark, blank space.

You don't get my meaning. You have no idea what I am talking about. This is all stream of consciousness. It's just flowing from my fingertips. It's what I am wondering about right now. I had to write it down to make it real.

I am worthy of adoration. Aren't we all? Are some of us more than others? If you think you are, then aren't you? I'm going to think I am and hopefully I will be.