What am I doing? Why am I not doing what I should be doing? Where am I going?
I have no answers to any of those questions but it's about time I figure them out.
I am lost. I am very lost and though it sucks, I really don't mind, which I think is a trap I've set for myself. I think, aren't we all lost somehow? Isn't everyone wondering what it's all about? Whether you have money and security and family and friends or are poor and just eeking by, no friends or family, aren't we all still basically lost in this world?
Doesn't everyone feel alone at times? Even in a crowd, even with family and friends around, we can still feel alone, can't we? Why is that? And why is it never enough, no matter how much we may have? Why is it we are never to feel complete?
I believe it's because if we did feel complete, that's the time when we will be finished with this heap of dirt we are on.
Really, how many people do you know who feel complete? Show me someone who sits back and says, "There, I did it. I finished it." Show me those people who have reached their life's goal(s)? Who don't want for anything more? Who don't feel the need to do more? Who don't feel the need to finish something else. Show me the folks who don't feel the need to conquer just one more thing?
I can't raise my hand to any of that, can you? I think it's because we aren't going to find what we are looking for on this planet. That final goal. It ain't here in our atmosphere.
I don't think that means we should just sit on our keisters and do nothing, though.
For some of us, we just go go go and do do do and can put those nagging feelings of "what else" on the back burner and stay so busy as to not think about them. Those are the people with drive. Those people I envy. Even if I don't want everything they've got, I still envy their drive.
I pretty much have the drive to do nothing. I know the reasons for it, which I won't go into here, because they're pretty typical reasons stemming from circumstance. I just wonder if there is someone else out there, who came from similar circumstances as myself, but who did find the drive to go go go and do do do. I'd like to know so maybe it would inspire me to do the same.
I don't want to be directionless. I don't want to lack that "get up and go" to do something with my life. I want to be happily busy so as to have no time whatsoever to think about the bigger picture or to ask "why am I doing this". I want to be full of ambition.
Don't get me wrong, though. I do have dreams. I have really big dreams. I have super-sized fantasies of how my life should be and of what I should be achieving. I have major plans for myself. I just haven't the energy to carry them out.
You know one thing I've come to realize about those go-getters? Those achievers? The go go goers and the do do doers? .....they aren't any smarter than the rest of us. They aren't supercomputer human beings with extraordinary powers. They just have less fear than the rest of us! They don't over analyze! They don't worry! They don't try to think a plan through from beginning to end. They just jump right in with no inkling of what the next step should, could or will be! I wanna be like that! I really do!
But that's my problem. I feel like I have to have it all figured out from beginning to end before I even take that first step, and life is not like that! That is not living! That is not productive if you just sit in your chair and try to plot out your entire existence; to try to maneuver through all the pitfalls in your head before you go out and physically take a chance!
See, I know all this. I know these things in theory. It's my practice that....well, needs practice.
I need some help. I finally figured out that we need other people -well MOST of us need other people - to kick us in the pants and push us out of that plane into full descent and we have to trust that our chutes will open just in time for a wonderful landing.
I thought I was so independent that I could do it on my own, but I'm not. I need help. I need support. Even if it's just one person. One single person. That is all I need. One person who believes in me and who will encourage me on my way to my big, huge hairy dreams for myself.
Where are you?
