Faith

Are you all serious with this? Your unborn child's brain is growing outside of it's skull, as we speak. You want to have the baby even though you know it's going to die within hours or minutes of it's birth? You want us to have a baby shower for you??? All the while your many specialist visits, and the impending c-section are all being paid for by medicaid, meaning paid for by the rest of us????

How is this really justified by your faith? This, I do not understand. This is like a Jehovah's Witness who will not receive a blood transfusion to save their life. God sent the doctors with the ability to save us, to ease suffering, to save you the pain of knowingly carrying a child to full term, only to lose it. I will never understand this. But, I have to keep my mouth shut and feign support for your decisions. I am the bad one if I don't.

As my previous post illustrated, there are differences of perception, and in my perception, you and your family are the bad ones here. You live off the state to pay for a complicated pregnancy that will require a c-section and special care for a child that is going to undoubtedly die. You put your friends and family in an uncomfortable, awkward position of having to give you a baby shower and put on happy faces and become accomplices in your denial of the real situation because if we don't support you, we are evil, intolerant people. All this in the name of your faith?

Not to mention, the longer you carry this child the more attached you will become and once you hold this baby in your arms? This is so much more difficult to get over than if you'd shown the strength enough to terminate this already doomed pregnancy. No, I do not believe this is murder. Not in this circumstance. God knows each life situation is unique unto itself, and I believe this is one of those extreme cases where a fully supervised medical intervention is justified in His eyes.

Listen, I have faith, but obviously my opinions on it are quite a bit different than yours. So, you go on with your farce, just don't include me in it by questioning the "extent" of my faith. Who is judging who now?

H*te

I don't want to say it out loud. I don't even want to think it or feel it, but right now I do feel it. I feel this h*tred toward you. Do you deserve my h*te? And why can't I say it out loud? Is it the fact that I can't say it out loud because if I do it's just as bad as your despicable actions that make me feel this way in the first place? Is this why the nice guy always finishes last? Because they don't speak out on their own behalf? And is the nice guy really not a nice guy deep down inside because of these ugly feelings, and their not speaking out is the reason why "nice guys finish last"? If the bad guy is always the one that takes the credit for things they did not achieve or lays blame elsewhere when they are truly at fault, and the nice guy never speaks up in his own defense, well, who is really the bad one here? Is it worse to be the bad guy or the good guy here, because both seem wrong. The bad guy is bad for stealing credit and the good guy is bad for allowing the bad guy to get away with it!

I know this probably makes no sense to anyone other than me, but I am just writing what first comes to mind. But, then, that's not true, because if I were writing what first comes to mind I'd be cursing up a storm. I don't want to do that here. Not that it matters if I have no readers, but still. You always have to wonder.

I want to say out loud that I h*te you but I was always taught that statement is one of the most horrible things you could ever say to another person. It was just as bad as all the bad curse words you could ever utter. Probably worse. But, that is how I truly feel about you right now. Then, I start to feel superstitious that something horrible might happen to you or me or someone not even deserving of a horrible fate, if I say it out loud. Which then leads me to wonder why do we get those feelings if they are only superstition?

Oh, let's not go down that rabbit hole.

Let's get back to the reason we are here. I dislike you very much. Maybe more than anyone I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. And we have the same blood running through our veins. How is this possible that I could feel this way toward a blood relation? How? How can two people be so different? So very different?

She says she had a wonderful childhood thanks to you and I say I had a horrible childhood thanks to you. It's like that famous old woman/young woman optical illusion:

I obviously see one thing, which I will say is the ugly old woman, and she sees something completely different, the pretty young woman. It's all in our perception then? More like our reality, I'd say. My reality was completely different than hers. Which one is correct? I guess both, but with more illusion on her side than mine. Mine was all real. Real crappy.

That Road

I drove down that road and had no idea where it was taking me. I did not expect this. I never meant for it to happen. It wasn't even in the back of my mind. Or was it? I don't know. I can't remember. All I know is that road took me there.

Is that the road less traveled? I have a suspicion that, for most, it is not. I know most certainly, for me, it is. And there is no way for me to turn around. I can't turn back and take the other route. It's done.

Now I ask, does that road ever end?

Excuse Him, Her, Yourself

Excuses. Why the heck do people always make excuses? I am so sick of it!

You know what an excuse is? It's freaking DENIAL! Denial of the reality that is before you. Denial of the lie that you are living. Denial that you are unhappy. Denial that something is not quite right. Denying the real reasons for doing or not doing something.

People making excuses for their behavior or their husband's, wife's, or child's behavior is more denial. They make excuses so that they don't have to do anything about it.They want to ignore it and not deal with it.

We all know the one where the wife makes excuses for her husband's neglectful behavior. "He's really a good man. I have to be thankful  because at least he doesn't beat me or the kids, and he's not a drug addict or alcoholic." What? So, it's okay if he "works late" all the time, ignores you when he is home, talks down to you, criticizes you, just comes home long enough to sh*t, shower and shave? Yeah, you are so right. That "not beating and not abusing drugs and alcohol" is a great excuse for putting up with his other crap behavior. 

If you are in a marriage and your husband says he's not sure he wants to be married to you or not sure if he wants to work on your marriage, don't make excuses for him! Don't tell me he's just going through something! The dude is obviously cheating on you! It's that simple! Either that or he's in the closet. And if he's in the closet, he's also probably cheating on you, just not with someone who shares with you similar physical attributes.  I've seen and heard this scenario so many times, it's become a joke. I can tell you step by step the process you will go through before you either give in to the truth and decide to move on, or give up and carry on with the charade and be miserable for the rest of your life.

If you have any self respect. If you love your self just the tiniest bit, you will come to your senses and move on. You WILL recover and you will be triumphant. You've got enough problems just being a citizen on this planet. You don't have to make it even worse for yourself. 

One basic truth to always remember: If you find yourself making excuses for him, her, or yourself, stop what you doing and regroup because something is most definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. 

Not Enough

It's come to my attention that it is not enough to be truthful. It's not a good thing to be honest. You get no where by being up front. Everyone wants you to lie to them. Everyone would prefer to live in denial. Denial of what, you ask? Pick a topic. It's that one and every other one. It's everything. 

It's best to lie. To succeed you have to "fake it until you make it', this I've always known. What I didn't know is that you have to continue doing so. The charade must go on forever. Never let them in. Never be vulnerable. Never trust. 

To trust is a waste of time. Everyone will let you down. Instead of the friend whose "got your back", they will more likely stab you in the back. There is no one out there who will save anything but their own skin.  So trust your own instincts and no one else's. 

The Why Of Me

Why am I in love with people being in love with me? Why aren't I more concerned about whether or not I am in love with them? I watch with pleasure as they fall for me because I'm such an out of this world character, no one you've ever had the pleasure to converse with before, yet I never stop to contemplate my feelings for them. Why is that?

Do I only love them only if they love me first?  I'm a magical mystery, a puzzle to be solved, aloof yet magnetic and inviting, charming and too good to be true. I'm all those things and less of the "too good to be true". Why can't I believe in myself? And I say that, not in a pleading with myself tone but with an "am I not allowed?" tone. I've sat in the wings far too long. I want my subjects to behold me and put me on a pedestal upon which no one can knock me off. I deserve it after all this time of dark, blank space.

You don't get my meaning. You have no idea what I am talking about. This is all stream of consciousness. It's just flowing from my fingertips. It's what I am wondering about right now. I had to write it down to make it real.

I am worthy of adoration. Aren't we all? Are some of us more than others? If you think you are, then aren't you? I'm going to think I am and hopefully I will be.

Are You In There, Oprah Winfrey?

I was wondering last night as I wrote in my journal. (My journal that I received in 1995 and have only written in every couple of years when something significant happened to me. You know, marriage, weight gain, resolutions, dreams, wishes, worries, divorces, new beginnings, successes, failures, etc.) I was wondering about Oprah and her journaling. I know she does it. It's a well known fact that she has been journaling well before she became the Oprah the world now knows, loves, respects, and for some, blindly worships. She's probably got a room just to house all her journals.

What I was wondering was if she tells the truth in her journals. I know I do. That's probably why I've only written in them every couple of years. I write my innermost thoughts that I don't want anyone else to know. Does Oprah? Does she tell the truth in her diaries?

Though I haven't watched her show in years, I know Oprah has shared her journal entries at various times. But what about what she doesn't share? Is there anything in there that isn't meant for public eyes? Has she ever spoken about that on her show? You know what I mean. Does she let the words just flow in unconscious release, good or bad, happy or sad, in the simplest words and phrases? Does she say the hurtful things that are in all human hearts at one time or another? Does she bemoan her missteps and personal regrets? Does she go bazerk? Does she lash out, speak ill will of others who she feels have wronged her, or admit her own transgressions? Does she confess her sins? Does she whine and complain and feel sorry for herself? Does she write of heartaches? Struggles? Worries? Insecurities? Aches and pains? Does she boast to herself on her own behalf? These are all things I would except in a personal journal. It's in our human nature and if we are being truthful to ourselves, all this and more will be represented. She is, after all, a human just like the rest of us. Does she let her "human" show?

Or does she have it all carefully planned out for when she is gone? When (and if) the world is allowed access to Oprah's diaries, when all volumes are carefully archived in the Oprah Winfrey Museum and the world is let in hoping to see her true inner self, will they find that her truth really is in there, or nowhere to be found? Will we see a woman writing to herself and to her God? Or will she have written to the millions who will read her words; those rosy prosy, peace, love and understanding, "save the world", "save the children", "look at all the wonderful things I have done", preaching diatribes?

Does Oprah just let it all out? I hope so. I really do.

What in the World

What am I doing? Why am I not doing what I should be doing? Where am I going?

I have no answers to any of those questions but it's about time I figure them out.

I am lost. I am very lost and though it sucks, I really don't mind, which I think is a trap I've set for myself. I think, aren't we all lost somehow? Isn't everyone wondering what it's all about? Whether you have money and security and family and friends or are poor and just eeking by, no friends or family, aren't we all still basically lost in this world?

Doesn't everyone feel alone at times? Even in a crowd, even with family and friends around, we can still feel alone, can't we? Why is that? And why is it never enough, no matter how much we may have? Why is it we are never to feel complete?

I believe it's because if we did feel complete, that's the time when we will be finished with this heap of dirt we are on.

Really, how many people do you know who feel complete? Show me someone who sits back and says, "There, I did it. I finished it." Show me those people who have reached their life's goal(s)? Who don't want for anything more? Who don't feel the need to do more? Who don't feel the need to finish something else. Show me the folks who don't feel the need to conquer just one more thing?

I can't raise my hand to any of that, can you? I think it's because we aren't going to find what we are looking for on this planet. That final goal. It ain't here in our atmosphere.

I don't think that means we should just sit on our keisters and do nothing, though.

For some of us, we just go go go and do do do and can put those nagging feelings of "what else" on the back burner and stay so busy as to not think about them. Those are the people with drive. Those people I envy. Even if I don't want everything they've got, I still envy their drive.

I pretty much have the drive to do nothing. I know the reasons for it, which I won't go into here, because they're pretty typical reasons stemming from circumstance. I just wonder if there is someone else out there, who came from similar circumstances as myself, but who did find the drive to go go go and do do do. I'd like to know so maybe it would inspire me to do the same.

I don't want to be directionless. I don't want to lack that "get up and go" to do something with my life. I want to be happily busy so as to have no time whatsoever to think about the bigger picture or to ask "why am I doing this". I want to be full of ambition.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do have dreams. I have really big dreams. I have super-sized fantasies of how my life should be and of what I should be achieving. I have major plans for myself. I just haven't the energy to carry them out.

You know one thing I've come to realize about those go-getters? Those achievers? The go go goers and the do do doers? .....they aren't any smarter than the rest of us. They aren't supercomputer human beings with extraordinary powers. They just have less fear than the rest of us! They don't over analyze! They don't worry! They don't try to think a plan through from beginning to end. They just jump right in with no inkling of what the next step should, could or will be! I wanna be like that! I really do!

But that's my problem. I feel like I have to have it all figured out from beginning to end before I even take that first step, and life is not like that! That is not living! That is not productive if you just sit in your chair and try to plot out your entire existence; to try to maneuver through all the pitfalls in your head before you go out and physically take a chance!

See, I know all this. I know these things in theory. It's my practice that....well, needs practice.

I need some help. I finally figured out that we need other people -well MOST of us need other people - to kick us in the pants and push us out of that plane into full descent and we have to trust that our chutes will open just in time for a wonderful landing.

I thought I was so independent that I could do it on my own, but I'm not. I need help. I need support. Even if it's just one person. One single person. That is all I need. One person who believes in me and who will encourage me on my way to my big, huge hairy dreams for myself.

Where are you?

Tiger Woods Beat

Tiger Woods is a poor role model, particularly for kids. (If you are an adult you should be fully conversant in the do's and don’ts of life, and if you haven’t figured it out by now, I can’t help you.)

I have a problem with all the comments I’ve read on this situation and I felt compelled to write about it. My problem is the constant use of the word "perfect", meaning "none of us are perfect", "no one is perfect" and the most common, "give him a break, he is not perfect" followed by "he's still a good role model for his sport". What?

Why do people keep pointing out that Tiger is not perfect? If I don't murder anyone, am I considered perfect and therefore a good role model? No. Do we say about murderers, "Hey, man, nobody's perfect." Yeah, I didn't think so. Since when is refraining from cheating on your spouse equated with perfection? Are all faithful spouses perfect? No. Okay, so now that most of us agree on the “no one is perfect” statement then why do I keep hearing it used as the excuse, “Give the guy a break. No one is perfect” for Tiger's infidelity(-ies)? To me that sounds like: “not faithful”= “not perfect” and “faithful”=“perfect”, therefore, everyone who is married is not faithful because we know that “no one is perfect”. Well, we sure know that's not true.

There are many brilliant individuals who would be good role models in their field of expertise who have also beaten, molested and even killed. So, are they still good role models if they’ve committed any of those acts? For adults, we can differentiate, but kids? It's like you are telling them, it’s okay for Mike Vick to have dogs fight to the death because he is a superior athlete, and that makes him a good role model. No, that just doesn’t cut it for me. I guess my standards are just a bit higher for my role models because being faithful is one of them. You know, don’t physically, psychologically or sexually abuse me, don’t murder me, don’t lie to me, don’t cheat on me. Understand, though, that if you don’t do those crappy things, I still know full well that you are not perfect.

If Tiger beat his wife, would you take him off your list of good role models? Would he still be a role model to his supporters? Would you want your kid to emulate him? And what exactly is the cut off for going from “a good role model” to “not a good role model”? Where do we draw the line? Surely, I would think cheating on ones wife would be way up there in the “not a good role model” category.

If you are going to be on my list of good role models, you should be one in all areas of your life. That’s not asking for perfection. That’s asking for your best, which is completely different.