H*te

I don't want to say it out loud. I don't even want to think it or feel it, but right now I do feel it. I feel this h*tred toward you. Do you deserve my h*te? And why can't I say it out loud? Is it the fact that I can't say it out loud because if I do it's just as bad as your despicable actions that make me feel this way in the first place? Is this why the nice guy always finishes last? Because they don't speak out on their own behalf? And is the nice guy really not a nice guy deep down inside because of these ugly feelings, and their not speaking out is the reason why "nice guys finish last"? If the bad guy is always the one that takes the credit for things they did not achieve or lays blame elsewhere when they are truly at fault, and the nice guy never speaks up in his own defense, well, who is really the bad one here? Is it worse to be the bad guy or the good guy here, because both seem wrong. The bad guy is bad for stealing credit and the good guy is bad for allowing the bad guy to get away with it!

I know this probably makes no sense to anyone other than me, but I am just writing what first comes to mind. But, then, that's not true, because if I were writing what first comes to mind I'd be cursing up a storm. I don't want to do that here. Not that it matters if I have no readers, but still. You always have to wonder.

I want to say out loud that I h*te you but I was always taught that statement is one of the most horrible things you could ever say to another person. It was just as bad as all the bad curse words you could ever utter. Probably worse. But, that is how I truly feel about you right now. Then, I start to feel superstitious that something horrible might happen to you or me or someone not even deserving of a horrible fate, if I say it out loud. Which then leads me to wonder why do we get those feelings if they are only superstition?

Oh, let's not go down that rabbit hole.

Let's get back to the reason we are here. I dislike you very much. Maybe more than anyone I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. And we have the same blood running through our veins. How is this possible that I could feel this way toward a blood relation? How? How can two people be so different? So very different?

She says she had a wonderful childhood thanks to you and I say I had a horrible childhood thanks to you. It's like that famous old woman/young woman optical illusion:

I obviously see one thing, which I will say is the ugly old woman, and she sees something completely different, the pretty young woman. It's all in our perception then? More like our reality, I'd say. My reality was completely different than hers. Which one is correct? I guess both, but with more illusion on her side than mine. Mine was all real. Real crappy.